Just start writing..ok. I sat for two minutes and nothing. I?m not even sure what I want to write about. The one thing I do like to write about is what I know, mainly because I?m too lazy to do research. So what is it that I do know?
I know that my life has been and still is a crazy roller coaster. Now I know that you?re all saying that?s just such a cliche, and maybe it is. Like I said I?m lazy.
But from where I?m sitting now and looking back to where I was just a year ago, life truly was a roller coaster. Do I start with where I am right now, or where I was?
The thing is I realized that looking back just never serves me in the right way. Ok, I?m kind of stumped whether to reveal to you if my life right now is?
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Feeling so lonely and dramatic.
Well, there are times you want to die?I mean really die, end your life and just go to sleep forever die. Tonight?s one of them. I?m just feeling so alone, and just tired of making everyone else feel better about themselves, to my best friend, my family, to strangers, to my ex-boyfriends!
But there?s something in me that just wants to make people feel better about themselves, be more than what they are. The problem is I?m too good at it, that they never even bother to ask how I am.
I guess I paint that picture of ?everything is fine, and everything is going to be fine because I?m fine!? and sometimes I even buy it myself? But tonight, I?m not fine.
I really gave myself today just to take care of myself and not to worry about THINGS. ?Where-is-my-life-going-thing?
I really want everyone and everything to go away. I WANT TO GO AWAY. I mean I don?t have much debt to leave behind for anyone, and I don?t have much of anything to leave behind for anyone.
I?ve learned to live and travel lightly. I guess I?ll leave this life lightly.
What are happiness and love?
I honestly don?t know what to do. They say happiness is the cure to everything. But what happens when just trying to get happy gets in the way of being happy.
I know my life is nothing near as bad as others, and having first world problems is just too easy and pathetic to want to dramatically kill myself over for.
But what happens when the people you love and who love you are the ones you just want to get as far away from? Love is just such a responsibility. I haven?t experienced real love. The only love around is ones that I?m obligated to.
I know I love them, but I?m just exhausted in loving so laboriously, so mechanically and in the end, it gets thrown back in your face just when you thought you?ve shown enough love for you to be loved back. I?m hurting.
I?m hurting from just being kind, and being nice. It?s true it doesn?t pay to be nice at all. Everything we?ve grown up with is just plain old bullshit and balls.
Crying to let things out.
I realized I hadn?t cried over so many things I should?ve cried over, mainly because I didn?t have time to, or space to cry. I was too busy making sure everyone else was ok, or too afraid of what others might think.
I mainly hated being told, ?I told you so.? I know people don?t ever mean to say that, but boy do they enjoy it when they do. I just cried and cried for fifteen minutes. I have to admit I?m improving in my older age.
I remember in my early twenties crying for hours, days, nights on end until there was nothing left in me. Now I get that same satisfaction in fifteen minutes. (Fifteen minutes, sadly that goes the same for my sex life).
Satisfaction and relief?yes, relief is the word. Finding relief is when you know you have nothing left inside. I?m going to be disgustingly positive right now, but I guess it means we?ve got way more room to fill it with something new, something fresh.
Problem is, do we fill it with something new that?s still tainted by something old. I?m learning to do that. Just pretend. Maybe not the best word. Just believe that I?d never been hurt, betrayed, taken advantage of, bullied, etcetera-etcetera?I?ve kind of forgotten the other horrible things that have been done to me. So I figured etcetera-etcetera always covers the rest, and fill up my nothingness with fresh and new somethingness that?s old.
Boo! So negative?Hey trying not to be jaded anymore. Ah yes, jaded.
No longer jaded. Just fall in love because it feels good!
Well, I?m not. Sorry to disappoint but I still dance as soon as I wake up and just before I go to bed. My boyfriend always catches me dancing by myself, but he always ends up joining me.
Yes, the two of us dancing in the middle of the apartment like we?re at our own mini rave. I feel so freaking good when I?m dancing like there?s nothing else in the world other than that beat that makes me want to jump up and down, spin and running-man to!
Ineffable is the word to describe how I feel when I dance like I?m Janet Jackson, like I?m Madonna, like I?m Justin Timberlake, like I?m me! It?s pure freedom to be able to move your body or even to think about it.
I can?t help but stupidly and happily smile! It?s euphoric, it?s ineffable. Like love. I can?t describe the love I feel I have when I?m completely in love. I used to think being in love with being in love was wrong, but now I realize it?s everything.
It overrides that laborious mechanical obligatory love I was expressing. It trumps it all. It simply feels like a bed of clouds that make you want to dance!
My boyfriend is just one ball of a dancing cloud for me. He has these dreamy blue eyes that make you melt like ?Amelie? did, literally. It?s this slight melancholic kindness that oozes out of his stare. It?s stoic yet so sweet.
But when he?s really happy you just feel like the world is like one big new year?s firecracker that explodes and rains all over you slowly before it burns you. Clearly I love this man.
Not only does he have eyes, but boy does he have a body, not overly sculpted just perfectly shaped by nature and activity. We don?t talk much, but being next to each other and knowing we?re together is more than enough.
I thought I?d never hear myself say that, but it?s true. When we do talk, it?s mainly because we?ve made each other laugh or drove each other crazy which leads to us making love and holding each other forever?.yes I hear you all vomit.
What can I say..
Being in Love with Love..
Well..that ball of cloud is no longer in my life. But one thing I?ve learned is that being in love is always just so worth it. No matter how much pain you experience after, remembering that feeling is always worth reliving.
No matter what anyone says, ?Love is all you need? and I?m not talking about from your boyfriend, your friends or family, but the love you can give to them and yourself. I may have lamented over giving too much love away and not receiving it, but what I didn?t realize was that I wasn?t giving myself any of that!
Such a cliche, ?yes love yourself? but in the end, you have to. You can blame everyone else for taking all the love you can give but it?s always your responsibility to take care of numero uno first!
I always remember Diane Keaton in ?Something?s Gotta Give.? Her heart shattered to pieces. But that?s what living is all about.
She says to her daughter? ?You can?t hide from love for the rest of your life because maybe it won?t work out? maybe you?ll become unglued? It?s just not a way to live.?
Basically, no matter how close you get to wanting to sleep forever?it?s just not worth thinking of that because that feeling of wanting to love, give love, receiving love, falling in and out of it?I?m sorry, that?s what living is all about.
Just try dancing as soon as you wake up or the last thing you do before you go to bed and somehow you?ll find your way to it?
Author of – 40 SINGLE NYC: The Gold Notebook –
For those of you that have been following our journey, K. D Brighton is a frequent contributor to www.thenaughtyforties.com. Check out her other articles and feel free to have a look at her book with 5-star reviews, “40 single NYC; The Gold Notebook” now available on Amazon.
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